This poem is very special to me. It captures Danny's character as well as my pain in losing him. And anyone who knew him said he was a character! He could charm the birds out of the trees that one. That makes me smile. It also reminds me of the rawness of my heart at that time. In fact raw doesn't come close, my heart was in pieces. In the poem I mention a jumper he loved. He wore it a lot. I have a chest with Danny's things in in my bedroom, and I think I've still got it in there somewhere. I daren't go in there though.
At the time of his death I helped out in a local pub. A few weeks had gone by and I ventured in one Saturday to do a shift. It was very early days. As I welcomed a regular by pouring him his drink, he went to a table and took off his coat. As I placed his drink down on the bar I noticed him taking off his coat, and then i actually think my heart stopped. He was wearing the exact same jumper. I could feel my heart palpitating fast and I was so scared I was going to have a panic attack, but I couldn't stop it! I felt a barrage of tears rising and I was so desperate to not let them escape. He came to the bar and I couldn't look at him. It was just too painful. He took his drink and sat back down. I was trapped, so I overcome this frantic state of mind by not looking at him. If I couldn't see the jumper then I could control what was happening inside of me. After about 30 minutes he got up and picked up his coat. Thank goodness, I thought, he's going home. I couldn't have been more relieved. But alas, no, he was getting his money out to get another drink! I couldn't take him being in the pub a minute longer and I just didn't know what to do. Somehow I managed to get him his drink without even looking at him, but just knowing that jumper was there tormented me. In the end I couldn't take anymore. I would've broken down I'm sure, so I had to be very brave and go over and talk to him about his jumper. Crazy right! It's a jumper! I approached him in a way where I didn't see the tormenting garment and explained my predicament and bless him, he apologised profusely and put his coat on while he drunk the rest of his drink. He then went home and got changed. What a gentleman! That's just one incident that caused me so much pain and anxiety, I'm surprised the grief didn't kill me. I swear blind it wanted to...
Here is my poem 'Remembering you forever.'..
Remembering you forever.
There is not a day that goes by I don’t think of you,
And all the things that you used to do.
Many of the memories make me smile.
For a split second I forget, but for only a while.
I forget that you won’t be walking through the door,
In your favourite jumper that you always wore.
So full of yourself, what are you like?
Scaring me with the tales of what you’ve been up to on your bike.
Do you remember the time when it had snowed?
As I opened the door you slid right across the road.
“Mum I’m alright” you said as you brushed yourself down.
You were laughing, but all I could do was frown.
Sheer fright had hit me as you flew,
And I said, ‘that bike will be the death of you!’
That fateful Sunday morning, I relive over again.
If only I’d known you leaving, would cause me so much pain.
I remember your face as you pulled away,
All professional in your new bike gear you’d got early for your birthday.
I’m sorry you did not make it to your special day,
And it was only two days away.
Your whole life was in front of you, you had it all planned.
But one silly mistake, and it was taken out of your hands.
As you lay in the hospital bed unable to see,
I would’ve done anything for that to have been me!
In the eight days you lay there I wanted to die.
There was no way I wanted to have to kiss you goodbye.
But in the end, I had no choice but to let you go,
As your life flashed before me, and how fast you did grow.
My life will never be the same without you in my face,
You are so special and unique, no one could ever take your place.
Even though you are not here in body, I can sense it.
I can imagine you are here with me, your spirit.
So, no matter how hard I have to strive.
My memories of you will always keep you alive.