Out of my hands

images 14jpg

I have got to say, life has been very difficult at times and has delt me some really difficult cards. I've had an array of issues to deal with, but one of the most hardest times was when I found out my eldest son was addicted to crack cocaine. In fact, how this devastating information did not destroy me, I'll never know. But all I can say is thank God! In my teens I was thrust into the dark world of drug abuse. Not me myself, but people around me. I do remember though, being so down and depressed that the thought of using heroin to take away the pain, did enter my mind and the temptation became quite strong. But then, again thank God, I looked at my little boy and quickly snapped out of my stupid, deceitful trance and bucked my ideas up rather quickly. I was so devastated that I'd even entertained such a thought, and so shocked that the pain inside me could have been enough to go down that slippery slope of addiction. I call it a sliding door moment! I've only had a few of them, and this one was the first. I dread to think what could've happened and I always looked at my son and was so thankful he saved me. He never knew how close I had come. Drug addiction was always a great fear for me so when I found out that same son was a crack addict, my whole world fell apart. He was only 16 and yes, I blamed myself!

I wrote this next poem at that terrible time and again, it says it all.

Out of my hands.


I have never felt so helpless,

Not knowing what to do.

Sitting here helplessly watching,

Your life collapsing in front of you.


Not being able to pick up the pieces,

And cast my motherly spell,

Unable to Piece you back together.

picking you up from where you fell.


For that honour was taken away,

From a stronger force than mine.

When your pain had consumed your body,

And the need had taken over your mind.


The need for something simple,

That was inhaled into your fears.

To make you forget what really matters.

That embraced your flowing tears.


To forget the people who love you.

To ignore that helping hand.

Willing to bring you back to where you belong.

This loss I cannot stand!


Losing you in unbearable.

My heart cannot take the strain.

I am slowly dying inside,

Consumed by this overwhelming pain.


I just wish I had the power,

To take all of that hurt back,

That I feel so responsible for!

Then you would not need the CRACK!