I wrote this next poem weeks after Danny passed. My job was working in the office for a local maintenance company. I think I may have gone back too early but I needed the money and also needed to get out of the house. Although I'm talking about nearly 20 years ago I can remember every little detail of the days events that led me to write this poem. Again it says it all. My heart breaks for that young lady whose whole life and heart had been torn apart. I find it hard to actually believe that that young lady was me! I have to add that it wasn't the people in the company that made me feel that way as they were lovely and very supportive, it was the other people around me who must have known what had just happened to me. After all, Danny's accident was the talk of the town. He was so loved by so many people, and the sad thing was I didn't know that until he had gone.
Reading through this makes me think about all those people out there who have gone through or going through the trauma of losing a child. Life goes on around us and one of the worst things I experienced was people walking the other way when they saw me, or crossing the road to avoid having to talk to me. It was if I had become a leper. It didn't happen too much, but it happened and it was like another arrow shot into my already bleeding heart. The sad thing was no one knew what was going on inside of me. Half the time, I didn't know what was going on inside of me. I know it's hard to talk to someone who is grieving. I do understand the helplessness and not knowing what to say. I get that. But a hello, how are you would have made such a difference to me. Or even just a smile, because no doubt there were times, many times when I didn't want to talk to anyone. But a smile has the power to pacify anyone's aching heart, even for only a moment. Take it from someone who knows, those moments are so precious when every second of every day is pure and utter sadness.
Please believe I'm not trying to condemn anyone. If anything, I'd like to bring an awareness that has the ability to make us think.
Happy people in my face,
Their smiling faces make me wild.
Their laughter echoes around inside my head,
No consideration for me losing my child.
Oblivious to what I’m going through,
No thought at all to how I feel.
Tears flow freely down my face,
A sure sign that my pain is real.
Ignorance is all around me,
it is beyond my belief,
that no one seems to acknowledge my pain,
when I am in deep despair of my grief.
People are around me and they see me,
It’s obvious that my pain is intolerable.
Yet their eyes look straight through me.
I feel as though I’m invisible.
Their lives are moving fast,
Mine has been put on hold.
My whole world has fallen apart.
I think my head just might explode!
I don’t know how I’ll get out of this darkness.
At the end of my tunnel, I see no light.
A carpet of grief has engulfed me.
I’m so scared I’ll be swallowed up by the night.
I cannot believe that this has happened.
Why me I want to yell!
I pinch myself in the hope that I’m dreaming.
I feel the pain, so no I’m still in hell!
Help me Jesus, don’t let me go.
I feel I’m slowly slipping away.
Hold me tight, don’t let me fall.
Get me back safely into the light of day.