A letter to my son

As you can guess life was really tough for us as a family. My way of coping with the chaos was to shut all of my emotions down and hope we made it through each day. The future was 24 hours long as far as I was concerned, and I could not look any further than my nose. A choice I made that went hand in hand with my coping mechanism. It gave me the strength to get out of bed and face the day ahead. I was fuelled by denial. I denied every emotion any access into my already breaking heart. The last place I wanted my son to go was to prison, but that is where he went. And as I think back, all the time he was there, I knew he was safe and I sort of relaxed. I still felt incredibly responsible which led me down a slippery path, but I will share more about that in my future posts. Well, my son got 3 years in a young offenders ninety miles from our home. I won't lie, I was really anxious. He was in the main prison and he struggled. He began to cut himself and was put on 24 hr watch. I felt I had to do something, but I was at a loss at what to do. This next poem reflects my mind and heart at that time. I sent it to him along with another poem I will share tomorrow and I didn't know until a long time after, that my words really touched his heart. He even boasted to the other boys in the unit and also to the prison officers about me and the poems I sent him. It was unheard of as so many of the boys parent's were absent from their lives. So I guess the poems had had their desire effect on him, but like I said I didn't know until a long time after. It makes me so happy as I remember his love for me and how proud he was to call me his mum...
Just goes to show we don't know the significance of our words....

It amazes me I still wasn't a Christian at the time of this writing.

A letter to my son

I put my hands together

And pray for a happy ending.

To come to the end of this dark journey,

And our lives we can start mending.

 

To sew up the holes of mistrust,

And iron out the lies.

That put you in that place,

Where only the walls can hear your cries.

 

You are no longer in my reach.

My touch can not soothe you. 

My words of reassurance are useless.

I’m powerless of what to do.

 

All I can do is cling on

To the hope that you will see

The errors of your ways

And learn that is not the way to be.

 

I cannot help feeling guilty,

Your bad behaviour I feel I planted.

Bringing out the worse side of you

I should not have taken you for granted.

 

I’m sorry for what was put on you.

I wish I could take back the past.

My choices were not your responsibility.

I’m sorry you grew up too fast.

 

But in the future there is a light.

A light of hope to set you free.

To spark off your goals and dreams,

And bring you safely back home to me.