Legacy of love.
This next piece of writing is slightly different from the others as it was written to be a song. I was in two minds whether to include it. The words are so poignant and so raw and expresses the condition of my heart with so much accuracy that I decided to add it to my collection. The verses are written in my usual style so the only difference is that I've added a chorus. I'm definitely going out on a limb here as I've no music or even a tune to coincide with the words, so if anyone out there can offer any help to give this song the life it so desires, then please let me know.
I do remember writing this piece just days after Danny's funeral. It was so surreal. I would never have imagined having to bury my child, but there I was watching my boy going into the ground. There were so many people there on that very very sad day. I prayed strength to get me through and I put it on repeat because I must have asked about a hundred times that day. I felt as if I had a cushion of love around me. That's the only way I can describe it. I've shared my writings on how I struggled with alcohol further back on this journey, so you know how my coping mechanism worked, but I did not get drunk that day. It was not the calming effects of the brandy I had in my coffee, or the many glasses of vodka and diet coke I consumed throughout the day that tempered the pain that could have so easily consumed me. No, somehow I had the strength to wade through the second hardest days of my life!
The next day I went over to the grave. Fortunately the cemetery is only a stones throw away from my home. The whole family had been out for breakfast that morning, and I couldn't wait to get back because I just needed to be near my boy. It was a grey drizzly day. I was walking in a trance I think as I still couldn't believe what was happening to me. I was numb! I remember being there all alone, looking at the sea of flowers and cards expressing the emotions of the hearts that Danny had touched through out his short life. Standing in front of his grave the tears started to escape. "What an I going to do?" I cry out to dirt covering my son's lifeless body. "Danny I don't know what to do!" I felt so lost. So confused. So broken! But just then, at the precise moment of that heart breaking question a ray of sun came through the cloud and touched my cheek. I swear it beamed down just for me, just for that moment. Putting my hand to my cheek I laugh as my tears streamed faster down my face. It was if he was kissing me on the cheek and saying "I'm alright mum. I'm safe in the arms of Jesus." Tears are flowing even as I write this as it was such a beautiful moment in an ocean of sadness, loss and pain. But that was just the beginning of my journey and it got so dark sometimes, but that 'kiss' got me through that day at least....
Legacy of love.
(1st chorus)
Safe in the arms of the Lord
Keeping you safe
Wrapped in His love
You – are safe
In the arms of the Lord
Finally free, washed by His blood,
cleansed by His love, released from your pain.
My heart is bare for all to see
Pain pumps through my every vein
Doubled up, why is my plea
I’m so scared that I will go insane.
For eighteen years your light shone
I blinked and it was blown away
I turned around and you was gone
My head filled with what I didn’t say.
I’d give everything to hear your voice
And to feel your unconditional love
Your leaving me was not my choice
The answer can only be found from above
Your smile shines down and kisses me
So gently on my tear stained face
An intimate message to comfort me
Reassuring me you are in a better place.
In the Lord my arms are raised
Jesus I trust in your name.
Everything I have you’ll get the praise
In my cleansing dissolves all my blame.
(2nd chorus)
Safe in the arms of the Lord
Keeping me safe
Wrapped in His love
I – am safe in the arms of the Lord
Finally free, cleansed by His Love, washed by His blood
Released from my pain.